Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
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