Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
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