just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Randomize
