somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
