hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
