I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Randomize