i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
