You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
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