If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
