He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
