Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Randomize
