She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
