I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Randomize
