just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
