I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
did i walk over a car last night?
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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