im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Randomize
