I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
don't judge my taste in strippers
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
All I want is dick and wine.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
