I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Randomize
