Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
