if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
