wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize