I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
