Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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