I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize