my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
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