My friends, they love my intelligence
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
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