i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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