I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
