our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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