Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize