how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
