No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
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