my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
