How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Randomize
