God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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