I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
