a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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