Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
