Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
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