Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
BRING THE BAGELS
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