We won't sleep together?
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
