This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
