I just pynch a tree in the face
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
True strength comes from lack of pants
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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