my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
