im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
