Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
