im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
