pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
