we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Randomize
