Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize