Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
