Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
