Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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