i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Randomize
