Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
Randomize
