You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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