why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
