oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
