and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Randomize
