If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
you are never too drunk for berry picking
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
