I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
I love you. Go after that dick
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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