Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
