Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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