So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
