Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
