You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
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